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Welcome to the Human Prototype blog, a space where the past and present converge to showcase the evolution of a life in progress. Inspired by my TEDx talk, "I am a Prototype," this blog is part of a broader journey of transformation through journaling, capturing the essence of living as a perpetual prototype. Each week, during 2024, I reviewed my archives from 2016, contrasting journal scans filled with drawings against the backdrop of my current experiences.
Surrender and Betrayal
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Then: May 23-29, 2016
This week in 2016, I celebrated one year of working in Dubai. I had a sick day, and funnily enough, I almost took a sick day this week in 2024 (it doesn’t happen very often). More beach yoga, CrossFit, and theatre, and on Friday, I worked on my book.
Looking at my 2016 journal has been a pleasant reminder of the good memories, bringing nostalgia in parts but also taking me back there and letting me access the energy from that time. Energy I am now using in 2024 to continue my ever-evolving prototyping journey.
Now: May 20-26, 2024
It’s been another testing week, continuing from last week, with emotions bubbling up out of nowhere, or at least without one singular trigger event. I’m learning to observe and welcome the emotions as I know they bring important messages. It’s becoming clearer to me that I have been suppressing and silencing myself for way too long.
Two words came to me this week: “Surrender” at the start of the week and “Betrayal” on Friday during a Yin Yoga class.
- Surrendering to the emotions that come my way and not suppressing them.
- Surrendering to divine timing and trusting that everything will be okay.
- Surrendering and letting go of old mental models.
- Betrayals I have experienced as lessons for betraying myself.
- Surrendering to my higher self and letting her express herself.
I’ve been struggling with letting go of a series of unfair treatments at work over the last couple of years. I’ve been thinking about what could help me move on. Admission of guilt? Reparation? Sanctions on the perpetrators? I’m not sure. It feels like the organization is designed (although not on purpose) for these treatments to be perpetrated in total impunity.
When it happened, I brought it up to HR and was told that the person in question was going through a tough time and that they were sorry, but we couldn’t change the past and should focus on the future. It was a massive endeavor for me to even speak up, and I was proud of myself. I thought this would be enough, but the truth is that I haven’t been able to move on. Then, later, something else happened, and when I spoke up, I was told that I should have prepared for it to happen. (It was naive of me to think that calling out the perpetrator was a good idea. But the more you learn…)
Last week, I sought legal advice and got confirmation that what was done was wrong. I wonder why it took me so long to seek this validation. Instead, I kept thinking that something was wrong with me for not being able to move on.
Work has always been a huge part of my life, and these events have been great wake-up calls for me to start detangling my identity from my job. As a matter of fact, in January, a huge shift happened in me, and I let go of the belief that climbing the corporate ladder was synonymous with success or having a bigger impact. I don’t think I’ve completely recovered yet, but what a relief this has been!
On the other side, I’ve been struggling with finding another form of motivation and found myself in a place of apathy, which then turned into a sense of emptiness. Of course, I have been engineering ways to get myself enthusiastic about tasks and projects, but these have been short-term band-aids.
And this week, the band-aids were not enough to hold the bigger challenge at hand: stop betraying myself and my life’s purpose.
Ah! But who is my higher self, and what is my life’s purpose? I guess I won’t know if I keep suppressing her. Lol.
I’m left with a few questions:
- What would it take for me to move on and heal from the work unfair treatments? At this point, I can’t think of anything they could do, so I’ll continue to process. Getting validation from other people’s experiences has been helpful, and I might try to talk to others who share similar experiences.
- How might I honor myself and speak up more? This week’s emotional turbulence has helped me regain energy to change my working environment, which I’ll embrace in the new week to get things moving.
I’m grateful for the lessons, and it’s time to end this cycle of suppression and betrayal.
And so it is.
Side note re. my commitment to reducing the time I spend on social media: I reduced my screen time by 17% compared to last week. Yay!
Companion Links: Extend Your Journey
- Free advice on employment rights, rules and best practice (England, Scotland and Wales)
- I’ve found this article helpful in understanding the systemic issues of organizations
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Together, let's embrace the beauty of becoming, the intrigue of what was, and the promise of what is yet to come.
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