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Welcome to the Human Prototype blog, a space where the past and present converge to showcase the evolution of a life in progress. Inspired by my TEDx talk, "I am a Prototype," this blog is part of a broader journey of transformation through journaling, capturing the essence of living as a perpetual prototype. Each week, during 2024, I reviewed my archives from 2016, contrasting journal scans filled with drawings against the backdrop of my current experiences.
Feeling Both Mad and Grounded
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Then: May 12-22, 2016
More yoga at the beach before work, some work meetings, a visit to the doctor for my burn, and of course, more CrossFit. A chic brunch at the Sofitel with Carolyn and Rasha, and my theatre class. The good life.
Ah, it looks like I spoiled a show for Maisie and she was not happy. I can’t remember which show, but yeah, sorry Maisie. I hope I didn’t do it on purpose.
Now: May 13-19, 2024
It’s been both a great week and a challenging week. I attended a course through work for the first time in three years, which was very exciting. The topic was something I deeply care about: cultivating communities, hosted by the very experienced practitioners Etienne and Beverly Wenger Trayner.
Unfortunately, there were only two of us online, with 12 other participants in their beautiful location in Portugal. I tried very hard to participate and stay engaged despite feeling disconnected from the group. I ended the week completely exhausted.
On Saturday, I met my dear friend Akua, who is visiting the UK from Ghana. We met in 2007 when we both lived in the USA (St. Louis) and worked for the same company. We hadn’t seen each other for five years, and it felt like it was yesterday. How precious is that? I’m so grateful for the beautiful people in my life.
On Sunday, a gorgeous sunny day, I spent hours inside my house working on my client’s illustration and wasn’t able to get where I wanted. But later that night, I worked on another client’s illustration and was very pleased with the result! Yay!
This week, I have been thinking a lot about finding the balance between asserting my needs and the fear of being excluded or perceived as rude. For example, during the first day of the course, the microphone didn’t work properly, and I couldn’t understand 80% of what was shared. Instead of confidently asking for an adjustment, I convinced myself that it was my fault and that my English was simply not good enough to understand everything (which is completely unfounded).
How can I advocate for myself if I question my own needs?
For that, I think I need to start removing the faux-self identity and uncover my authentic self. Whatever that means. Right now, it’s a bunch of words without any sense. Right now, my authentic self is just mad. She’s mad at everything, for all the reasons and for no reasons. And of course I am mad at myself for being mad.
The morning meditation, the yoga, the journaling, the dancing are merely band-aids covering a wound that has no chance to heal if it stays in the same environment.
That being said, these band-aids have been helpful as I can now feel my feet on the ground and I’m not drowning in a spiral of despair. I used to fall quickly into a deep hole of despair where I could stay for days. At least now I know that it will get better, eventually.
Ok, so what could I do to be closer to my authentic self and trust my needs? Legend has it that some answers might be in feeling my body.
Or should I go to Bali? Isn’t that what people do? Lol.
Let me know if you’ve been on a self discovery quest yourself. Give me all the tips. I’m all ears.
Before booking a trip to Bali or wherever I might be able to find myself, I started a course from Michael Beckwith called “Life Visioning Mastery,” and I’ve pledged to cut my social media screening time so I can be with myself without distractions. Let’s see how that goes!
Hear the journey: There's a unique intimacy in spoken words—a warmth and immediacy that text alone may not convey. In my weekly audio commentary, I share reflections both deep and light-hearted, offering a companion piece to the visual and written narrative.
Companion Links: Extend Your Journey
- Etienne and Beverley Wenger Trayner’s course: Cultivating Communities of Practice
- Michael Beckwith course: Life Visioning Mastery
- Stuck on something? Contact me via email for gentle guidance with a free Oracle Card reading.
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Together, let's embrace the beauty of becoming, the intrigue of what was, and the promise of what is yet to come.
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